saturn return: i’m blooming in my late twenties
happy birthday to me
author’s note: it took me the entire month of may to write this, and i found it interesting what ended up coming out and at what points during the month. so, mostly for my fancy and hopefully your enjoyment, i included the dates these passages were written to see just how much blooming i did throughout may, and hopefully, how much more i’ll have blossomed by the time july comes around.
may 1, 2025
i’m writing this in may, so i’ll have to use my imagination a bit. but when i set this to publish, the following will be true: today (july 11), i am 29.
may 13, 2025
as the final year of my twenties, i must admit i don’t share the same anxiety we see played out in media. you know, the archetype of a late-twenty-something-year-old trying desperately to cling to anything that starts with a 2 before ushering in the dreaded decade of 3’s.
instead, turning 29 feels like i made it to the summit of a place i never thought i’d land. soaking in a view i never thought i’d be able to picture. letting go of vices, violence, and viciousness because their familiarity no longer feels comforting anymore.
to my synesthetic brain, the combination of “july” + “11” + “29” looks like the color story of a sunset—soft pinks and swirls of oranges resting gently on a cushion of deep deep blue.
that combination of colors isn’t something i would have been able to handle at the start of this decade—in college, using every type of maladaptive coping mechanism there is to compartmentalize my life into smaller and smaller pieces.
their vastness and contrast would have been too much for me to hold.
but as i’ve grown, i’ve learned how to cradle the richness of cerulean, enjoy the silky taste of indigo while lapping up the brightness and bite of salty corals and peach. light cannot exist without dark. and it’s through the milk of these tears and acidic throats scratched raw that i’ve excavated joy and peace from the cavity of my deepest dwellings. made myself a home out of daydreams i painstakingly drudged up to shore.
may 29, 2025
as i write this in may, much remains unknown about how the following weeks leading up to my birth day this year will unfold. this month has brought both tender relief and heavy heartache—some of which i anticipated, others i wanted to deny.
and together, they’ve created a coagulation of severed relationships bound in ironclad freedom, grief and possibility all wrapped up with one, as one thing now no longer holds me back from stilling my body in one place and grazing at the world with calloused fingertips and crusty eyes.
my cheeks remain tear-stained, and my head is still clouded with congestion. but there’s the distinct possibility that my life could take new form by the time i step into this colored sunset painting.
may 30, 2025
but enough with the vaguery—i’ll have plenty of time to make sense of my saturn return and why it has started with such abruptness and frenzy.
it’s a cycle i’ve been meaning to break for as long as i can remember. and i’m left with these lessons learned, with plenty more time to digest, disassemble, and define later.
what i’ve learned in my late twenties
on relationships:
relationships don’t get easier, but they do get deeper when you put in the work
the cliche “communication is key” is annoyingly accurate and it’s okay to despise cliches while acknowledging them for exactly what they are—the truth
it is possible for you to love someone and have strict boundaries with them
and it will still hurt when you walk away even though you’ve thought about leaving your whole life
it’s rare to find someone you click with—so hold on to that friend that makes you feel like you’re a kindergartener on the playground
conversely, you’re allowed to walk away from those who’ve witnessed your whole life but have failed to see you
if you feel like you owe them something, that’s a sign of it being a conditional relationship
your relationships might look different from what’s considered “conventional,” but that’s likely where you’ll find the most joy
on self:
it’s never too late to choose your healing, and it’s okay to resent the fact that others never thought you needed healing in the first place
your growth will scare some people and it’s more telling of them than of you
it’s okay to take a season of your life and live in a quieter, simpler way—you’re not losing time, you’re just prioritizing it differently
kindness isn’t something you have to earn—you’re deserving of grace, and its most meaningful iteration will come from giving it to yourself
honesty is the best policy, precisely because it hurts
doing hard things is easier than making hard decisions and sticking by them
winnie the pooh was actually right—you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think
on money:
money is a bitch but you can spend it on important things—you can’t replace memories but you can replace money
^ being able to say that is a fucking privilege and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
comparing your finances to others isn’t helpful or insightful—everyone spends their money differently and social media is a curated gallery with one author
everyone’s in debt—literally, everyone
it is way easier than you think to perform an unethical job when you’re in it for the money because you’re trying to survive
on work/school:
quitting your job without a plan is scary, but miracles happen when you follow your intuition and put in the work to get yourself back on the right path
in contrast, quitting something you wanted to do can actually be important for your growth and teach you that the world won’t end just because everything isn’t “perfect”
multitasking isn’t actually the flex you think it is
you’re allowed to seek balance in focusing on one thing at a time—you’ll likely yield better results when you do
on art:
the business of art isn’t something you’re obligated to do just because you’re an artist—you’re allowed to create with abandon and without churning out a profit
your art isn’t better because it comes with a price tag—value shouldn’t be measured by money alone
your proudest accomplishments may not be the most loudly celebrated—in fact, it’s in the quieter moments that your art will speak volumes and attract those most willing to listen
art isn’t actually that serious—play, fuck around and find out, try something, anything, and there will still be something that moves you
shia labeouf is weird and controversial, but he got one thing right—“anything that moves you is art”
on time:
there is time—in the day, in your life, and it’s all divine, even in the mundanity
it’s actually kind of punk to dream of a future and set your plans into motion when the world seems to be falling apart
time is a circle—and that’s both beautiful and terrifying
time is your greatest gift, your fiercest enemy, and your closest friend—learn to treasure it for all its iterations
— misao
thank you so much for witnessing my writing!
if you’d like to further support my work, consider subscribing to my substack based on your capacity ($5/month), or offer your support with pay-what-you-can options at the link below! if you choose monthly, you’ll receive pay-walled posts just like other paid subscribers but at a more accessible rate for you ($2/month, $3/month, $4/month) :)
much love & hydration to you ~
Beautiful and insightful, this gives me hope for my late twenties, as my early twenties come to an end this year. Also, the way you describe colors is mesmerizing!