i wish i hated you

for folks who wish they hated their parents but don’t

“Red Pot with White Blouse” by Jonas Wood

among the many emotional tracks on ariana grande’s “eternal sunshine,” “i wish i hated you” has to be the one i’ve cried to the most.

i’d never heard a pop song sing so eloquently about the nuance of a relationship that’s ended—or is at least fractured—but still has so much love attached to it; so much so that the person leaving wished they hated the other in order to make walking away an easier feat.

the universality of this message lends itself to friendships, romantic relationships, family dynamics, and more. and it’s the last one that struck a chord for me, as i listened to this song for the first time after having gone almost a year without physically seeing my parents.

in many ways, i wished it was as simple as hating them and casting them off as 100% bad or evil. but they’re not, and i can’t. and that’s what’s made going low-contact with them one of the most difficult things i’ve ever had to do.

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i began distancing myself from my folks when i started eating disorder recovery in 2023. once i got over the physical part of recovery, retraining my body to accept food and nutrients at a more consistent rate, the work became much deeper, tapping into wounds i had learned to repress since childhood whilst using the eating disorder as an avoidant coping tool.