i still have pregnancy curls after my miscarriage

tw: pregnancy loss

this post contains discussions of pregnancy loss, including brief mentions of blood, which may be triggering to some readers. keep your heart safe and do you, boo.

“Aquarius” from the Zodiac Sign Series by Stella Hong

february 6, 2025. that was supposed to be our due date. but instead of giving birth to a child, i gave birth to this substack.

we didn’t even get that due date from our doctor. we got it from an app. it was so early, but we wanted to know everything we could.

we wanted to know what changes were happening every day; why i felt light-headed, why i couldn’t keep my eyes open past 10 a.m., why i felt warm and dizzy and flush with the potential of a growing life.

i googled “aquarius child” to see if i could learn anything more about the tiny blastocyst inside of me. i googled “aquarius child cancer parent” to see if i could glean any warnings for how i might naturally parent them.

i learned that i might stand in their way, placing comfort over curiosity. i learned that they might challenge me to step outside of my own shell, placing adventure over familiarity.

despite being an air sign, the symbol for aquarius is the “water bearer.” despite being a water sign, both my moon and rising are air signs.

i thought this bound us in some way. i thought the fact that my wife’s rising sign is in aquarius bound all three of us, too.

i wanted to make sense of why this was happening—and why the loss was so profound. we were meant to be together. we were all three of us connected. the expanse of dreams we created over the course of a week was worth an entire lifetime.

and yet, our time with them was too incredibly short.

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my body took the loss pretty profoundly. i bled for ten days. then six weeks later, i bled even more.

they don’t tell you how rough that first period after a miscarriage is. and i happened to be going through it alone, halfway across the country from my wife, and quarantined in a dorm room after testing positive for covid just two days earlier.

i noticed small changes, too. ones i didn’t anticipate. i had begun to grow out my hair, and the ends were starting to curl.

i thought it was the change in environment. maybe our proximity to the sea?

but my friend told me no, haven’t you heard of pregnancy curls?

i still haven’t cut my hair since then, and it’s curlier than ever. i’ve had to learn new routines—how to condition it and keep it from frizzing.

i’m reminded that as a child, i always wanted curly or wavy hair—anything but the straight tangle it was. i like to think my baby brought my inner child with them to dance through the strands on my head. so long as they’re kicking up a mess together, i don’t mind the tangles now.

i’m constantly amazed at what the body holds on to. for so long, it was trauma. but this doesn’t feel like grief. it feels like a celebration; an extension of the dreams we ached for, hanging around, not yet ready to let go.

and it’s not withholding either. these curls walk with me through each day.

i get up, go to work, make dinner, and start again. i walk, i swim, i sweat, and repeat.

each action taken is not journeyed alone. there is always something there to hold my spirit in an embrace.

because every day, i’m reminded that my baby’s cells still live inside of me. every day, i get to greet them in the mirror.

my mother suffered a miscarriage before her pregnancy with me. but she always reassured me that “i just kept coming back.” this, i would like to pass on to my child. this, i would like my child to know of my mother.

because that’s exactly what they’re doing, too—they’re holding on, only to return again.

— misao

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in case you missed it:

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thank you so much for reading & supporting water baby 操!

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from left to right: misao & their wife becca, and their three cats—chibi, bunco, & scout.

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