03 awake in the fire, or “slut! (for self-punishment)”

song by song | caught in the act of living

lyrics to “awake in the fire” by misao mcgregor

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it never really occurred to me
that my penchant for self-punishment
might actually be some kind of
sadistic turn-on.

in fact, this only occurred to me once i reread the lyrics,
alongside the accompanying graphic
of an outline of a person,
baring their chest to the flames
while simultaneously stroking what seems to be a
phallic-looking log.

//

i suppose a lifetime of self-gaslighting
mixed with sexual repression
and abuse
makes for a confusing outlet in the
“what do i find arousing”
department.

or rather,
i’ve confused what i find arousing
with what makes me valuable
to others.

//

at the ripe age of three, i learned the indelible lesson that
pleasure was never for your own sake.

so much had i misconstrued this tutorial for law
that i began to focus on others’ pain
in a bid to
abandon my own,
care for them
in ways i wished
they might have cared for me.

but rather than burn myself at the stake
and feel as though i’m obliged to enjoy the fiery sensation,
perhaps it is time
for me to make use of my pleasure elsewhere—

for if i am to be a slut for anything,
i’d rather be a slut for the truth.

— misao

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